last night as i was finally drifting off to sleep, i felt a little rush of air creep up my back and make a right turn over my shoulder blade. our ceiling fan was on and i assumed this was just small gust of circulating air cooling me as i fell asleep. i thought this until my mind started racing and said, "gee that rush of air felt just like a little bug crawling up my spine." and "hey! since when does wind make a right turn when traveling across your back?!"
that's when i saw a black lump scurrying towards my pillow.
give me credit folks, i did not scream out loud. kpr was tired a trying to fall asleep and i didn't want to give him a heart attack, so i did not scream aloud. but in my head i screamed the scream of blood-curdling horror, a scream that echoes in your mind for days after it is first heard, a scream that almost paralyzed me with fright.
instead of screaming aloud i let out a rather loud "EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" and jumped out of bed- throwing the sheets towards the middle of the mattress. kpr jumped out of bed with a half audible "what?" and we looked around for the remote to the fan to turn the overhead light on.
"there was a bug crawling up my back!!" i still was managing not to scream. i was huddled in the corner, shaking a bit and looking around the bed nervously.
'no, you just imagined it." kpr said as he stood on the bed shaking out our sheet and quilt, lifting up each pillow and giving them a shake as well.
part of me wanted to believe that i just imagined it, so we could just go back to bed, but the other part of me knew what i had seen and felt and i knew there was no way i was getting back into that bed until we found the creep crawly thing.
"c'mon, you just imagined it, let's go back to bed i'm exhausted." kpr said, giving the sheet a final shake. a white pipe cleaner popped out of the sheet and bounced on the mattress. 'see, that's all you felt- a pipe cleaner."
"no, what i felt was crawling up my back and it was bla--" just then, something scampered up our wall next to the door.
it was THE LARGEST COCKROACH I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!! now, you might think i am exaggerating because it was late, i was tired, i was scared, but no, seriously this was the largest roach i've ever encountered in my twenty-something years on this earth. it was about the size of my hand with all of my fingers outstretched, the size of a medium sized hamster, if you will. usually when you see them this big, they've crawled out of their fat pad they've been basking away in their whole life, are quite lethargic and on their way to death's door.
not this sucker.
he was quite chipper despite the late hour, paused for a moment, and then continued up our wall at a brisk pace.
the screaming in my head resumed. i started violently shuddering from fear in the corner, and i crouched down looking for something to hand to kpr to fight off this terrible demon. i found my beloved pair of purple slippers and threw one at him saying, "need a shoe or something?"
kpr grabbed a postcard and scraped the largest cockroach i have ever seen in my life onto the floor. i started to scream through my teeth and did a little dance in a circle, trying to keep both feet from touching the floor at the same time. the largest cockroach i have ever seen in my life scurried out of our bedroom and towards the bathroom, i said something like, "don't you fucking let that thing get away or we will have to move because i'll never fall asleep in this house again!!" and kpr brought the beloved purple slipper down with a resounding
"SQUISH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!"
and the largest cockroach i have ever seen in my life was no more. well, that's not true, he was now a gross, puss-y, blob on the bottom of the beloved purple slipper. kpr grabbed some tp and flushed the largest cockroach i have ever seen in my life down the commode, never to be heard from again.
all while this was happening, little champ was luxuriating in his comfy bed, covered by his soft towel that i had placed lovingly over his head only moments before. when the largest cockroach i have ever seen in my life made his way into the hallway, champ bungled his way out of his crate, his towel trailing behind him, still stuck to his torso, his head cocked to one side, eyes imploring, "hey guys, what's going on?" some help he is.
as kpr walked back into the bedroom, he was grinning madly and said "saw that guy in the bathroom this morning, but he got away." my breath was just returning to normal and i said through clenched teeth, "well next time, make sure he doesn't get away, so he doesn't end up in our bed at night."
i don't know how i fell asleep, but i did eventually, and surprisingly, i didn't dream of cockroaches crawling out of the toilet to seek their revenge.
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