Wednesday, May 18, 2005

ouchies and material things

i had this teddy bear from the day i was born, my godfather, my father's brother, gave him to me at birth. i used to muse that i had him before i was born. i went everywhere with him as a child and as an adult, he was with me in every new 'home' i made, propped up on my pillow. in the excitement of moving to new york city, he was *sob* misplaced (someone stole him, i know it). i wept like my two-year-old self for an hour or more and to this day, i still can't really talk about it. i can still imagine his fur (some of it missing by now), so soft i used to bury my face in his tummy as i sucked my two fingers (no thumbs for me!). the shape of his ears, his nose, his neutral smile- not at all cheesy, but supportive. the wisdom in his eyes, the love in his heart. all the places he had 'surgery', my mom or my neighbor wielding a needle and thread, stitching his wounds.

mom and i were going through old pictures last week and there was one of me and 'mr. bear' as i called him (he never had a formal name- i never had to call for him because he was always there)- i must have been two or three (going to my first day of nursery school in fact) and mom was like 'there's your bear!' and i was like 'i can't talk about it, don't bring it up.' as i held back the tears.

she bought me a replacement bear a few years back, he sits on my bed now, but everytime i look at him, i think of what i've lost and it's silly, i know, but it still aches a bit.

(thanks mo)

Monday, May 16, 2005

monday monday

i'm sitting at a desk on the 28th floor of a building on east 55th st. there is a window to my left and the view, while not the most spectacular i have ever seen, is lovely. i see apartment buildings of all different styles- a hotel directly across the way (i'm assuming its a hotel because there are the same lamps in every window) and some sort of office building with a lovely orange roof and a terrace that the they keep carrying mirrors across- weird.
i'm temping today, and i hope to do so for the next few weeks because i am broke with a capital B. they are ordering sandwiches for everyone for lunch- so i'm saving 6-7 bucks. i ordered grilled veggies on whole grain, just so ya know. it's not a salad but its healthy according to oprah.

my fingernails are too long right now and honestly it is driving me crazy. my nails generally do not grow at all. i bit them for about 12 years and i think i ruined them for life. when i was in middle school i remember staring enviously at this girl named amy. now, i did not like this amy very much- she was snobby, cliquey and always had this 'i'm so bored with you because i'm better than you' look in her eyes. but, she did have the most magnificent fingernails- long, long, long and rock hard- perfect cuticles and nail beds- none of those awful white spots i am always plagued with. she used to taptaptaptap them on everything, and she talked with her hands just to show them off. i would stare at her perfect nails and think, 'dear god, this is the only thing i want, long beautiful fingernails, oh and to win the lottery. if you give me these two things i will be your servant forever.'
i never got the long fingernails and i've yet to win the lottery, so me and god are hardly on speaking terms now.
so, yeah my nails are too long- they are almost over the finger and i can feel them as i type, when i bend my fingers they push into my palm. i know they are all going to break off any second now and if not i will tear them off in frustration. if i had any extra cash i would go out and get a manicure.... ugggghhh- ok, i'm going to try not to think about them anymore.

i have an audition tonight for 'a midsummer night's dream', one of my favorite shakespeares. the part i will be reading for is helena- my favorite. she is scorned by her lover and later on, thanks to some magic potion, is pursued by both of the romantic leads. helena is very tall, so i will be wearing my favorite heels- i just haven't figured out what else i will be wearing. i've brought the play along with me to refresh myself on the scene i'll be reading, but i'm pretty familiar with everything that goes on. i have to remember to warm up my voice and my mouth really well before i go in there. shakespeare is all about the delivery, no stumbling over your words allowed!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

holy crap i'm lazy

i haven't written. i know.
i don't return calls.
i sit on the couch a lot.
i eat.
but my house is clean. my dog is happy (even though he and the rufus both have whooping, i mean, kennel cough)kpr is happy and i'm happy too.
i've gained weight. i have and i know it. i'm t-minus two weeks from going to orlando and sitting around a pool for days on end, so it's nothing but salads for me for a while. i'm even thinking of going out and getting a pilates rope and dvd, because apparently you can get in shape really quickly that way.
you see, this is why i haven't written! i'm totally uggghhh, boring. i just haven't felt like doing anything recently. i'm not depressed though. i've actually felt really, really happy recently. things are good, i'm just friggin lazy.

kpr is off in l.a. on business this week, so i'm on my own. i predict a lot of baths and clay face masks in my future.

i just had some really good reheated mole chicken enchiladas. mmmmmmmm mole! for dinner i'm having a salad. and i'm going to love it!

my sister graduated from college last weekend. my future sister in law had her bridal shower the day before. i've now learned that the best reason to get married is the gifts. holy crap you get a lot of stuff! laura got two, count em, two quesidilla makers! my brother will put good use to both of them i'm sure. they also got a nice set of tv tray tables. i know it was matt who put those on the registery. tv tray tables are so classy! woohoo!

oooh shrek 2 is on hbo right now. i've never managed to watch all of shrek 1 but i'm watching it anyway.

does everyone have a list of hottie po-tah-ties that they would sleep with no matter what their current level of commitment? well here are my top three (i couldn't think of five):
1. brad pitt
2. mark ruffalo
3. angelina jolie

now let me 'splain some things. brad pitt, while cliche, i don't care, i have loved him ever since thelma and louise and come on he is sex-ay. mark ruffalo is totally hot in the film xx/xy - have you seen it? he is h-o-t. and now everything i see him in, i just drool. i loved how he was just a little bit shorter than gwenyth paltrow in that horrid flight attendant movie. gwenyth is such a freaking bean pole, how could he not be shorter than that freak of nature?! (nothing against tall people, i just really don't like the old g.p. c'mon, she's only a celebrity because her dad was a famous producer, her mom is a famous actress, her godfather is steven speilberg and she dated number one on my list. i don't care if she's won an academy award- kate blanchett was so must better in elizabeth than g.p. was in shakepeare in love- that whole movie was based on the brilliant performance of joseph fiennes. joseph fiennes! he's number four on my list. he was so sexy in elizabeth!!)
and even though i'm not a lesbian, i would not kick angelina out of my bed...

making this list was harder than i thought, i started out with five and couldn't come up with that many, and then i couldn't think of four either. so i came up with three and one of them's a woman. where have all the hotties gone? tom cruise is officially off my list after all this nonsense with that wench katie holmes. as if, this relationship is totally a publicity stunt!! she's not even pretty!

i'm curious as to who would be on other people's hottie po-tah-ties lists.