how stupid am i?

it is my goal to not spend money i don't have.

i was going through my expenses yesterday and i asked myself,

"divinemissk, why the hell are you so broke?"

the answer lies in the fact that i shelled out big bucks for a biomechanics class that i'm finding i don't even like. no, change that- its not that i don't like the class- its that its not what i expected and ultimately, not what i was looking for. the teacher is excellent and i feel like i'm learning something creative and new that will ultimately better my understanding of how to move on stage and how we are affected by movement in our everyday life. but really, how stupid am i to have shelled out the said big bucks on the eve of one of my biggest shopping seasons ever? i have more people to give gifts to this year than ever. and its not that i am resentful of that at all. i love thinking about the perfect gift for someone and i'm so grateful for all the special people in my life, but money's tight this year. we're taking this trip, we now have a dog and a dogwalker, i needed new clothes for work (for fear of going in naked), and we decided to go organic, which can be costly (but definitely worth it).

so, why oh why, did i have to take this class now? out of all times of the year? i guess with all these things i've been busy with, i've lost my momentum, my drive, my direction if you will, and i thought taking a class would help. i had great expectations for this biomechanics class- i have a lot of experience in russian movement and thought that this would be along those lines (acrobat, gymnastic type stuff- ensemble building- partnering work. its truly amazing and i haven't found any consistent classes here in the city.). but this class is not what i thought and i blame it on myself for not looking into it even further. grrrr...

and so, because i am not satisfied, does that mean i actually do my homework and take advantage of what i'm learning, in spite of being disappointed? well, noooo, and that makes me even more mad at myself for spending all this money and then not getting the most out of it.

oh well- ya can't go back in time i guess. you can jut kick yourself in the ass later on.